Corbin Nash (2018)

4

Overall

4.0/10

Pros

  • Corey Feldman.

Cons

  • About as dangerous as an episode of Charmed.

Corbin Nash (2018) starring Dean Jagger, Richard Wagner, Corey Feldman, Malcolm McDowell and Rutger Hauer. Directed by Ben Jagger.

I didn’t know anything about this movie, but it had Corey Feldman of Friday 13th The Final Chapter fame, Malcolm McDowell, who you probably recognise from movies such as Cyborg 3 and Firestarter: Rekindled, as well as Rutger Hauer who came to our attention in movies like Turbulance 3: Heavy Metal and, one of my personal faves, The Scorpion King 4: Quest For Power.

With such a stellar cast I was sold immediately and settled down with a six-pack for an evening of whatever the fuck this film was offering.

The film opens with McDowell narrating some biblical nonsense about the eternal fight of good and evil, angels and demons, the end times blah blah blah. So far I’m getting a kind of Underworld vibe, we have two factions about to square off with the fate of humanity hanging in the balance.

The film then cuts to the main protagonist, who thoughtfully had his name ‘Nash’ tattooed across his chest so we don’t forget who he is. Nash has been fucked up by we don’t know what yet and is rescued by a stripper with a heart of gold. The film then cuts back to one year earlier and we get the events leading up to Nash’s downfall.

Turns out Nash is a cop who, while drunk in a bar one night, was told by Malcolm McDowell and Rutger Hauer that his famous baseball playing father was, in fact, a demon hunter and his legendary sports career was just a front to hide his day job. Or night job, I imagine.

The film then cuts to Corey Feldman who is a bi-sexual transvestite vampire who likes killing women and children and prances around acting all camp. Imagine a cross between the singer of Sigue Sigue Sputnik and Danny La Rue. Except a vampire.

Well, while on a missing persons case, Nash and his partner get all fucked up by Corey Feldman and Nash wakes up in a dungeon, where he is forced to fight in the UFC for the Demons’ entertainment.

At this point, we’re 51 minutes into the movie and the main problem is that Nash is just too bland of a character. What this film needs is for Nash to be like that dude from the Hellblazer comic, Constantine, who was a total badass, chain smoking, swearing, deadpan cynic who also fought on the side of good. Also, the whole demons and angels thing isn’t really pushed far enough, it should be like that other comic, Preacher, with Nash teetering on the brink between good and evil and questioning things like can acts of violence be justified if the outcome is for the greater good.

But whatever, we don’t get any of that shit, instead boring Nash just fights his way through the Demonic UFC before reaching the Final Boss, who was supposed to be this dangerous vampire girl but in reality just looked like that Goth chick who works in the comic book store.

We then cut back to present day, where it turn out the stripper’s child has been kidnapped by Corey Feldman and Nash was bitten by Corey Feldman and is turning into some sort of Nash/Vampire hybrid.

So for the rest of the movie (and by that I mean 15 minutes), Vampire Nash hunts down Corey Feldman with his father’s baseball bat which has had the end sharpened into a stake. Breaking his way into the apartment, Vampire Nash gets ready for the mother of all showdowns with Corey Feldman.

I think at this point the filmmakers were getting bored and decided to hurry the fuck up, because in the space of six minutes, Nash despatches all of the vampires, kills Corey Feldman and rescues the stripper. That’s not all, turns out her son was tied up in the next room the whole time, so that saves Nash the bother of finding him, then.

Well with two minutes of the film remaining, things come full circle as Malcolm McDowell tells Nash the story of angels and demons, light and dark, good and evil blah blah blah. Turns out Vampire Nash is now a soldier of God and must rid the world of evil using his dad’s baseball bat.

‘And so it begins,’ says Malcolm as the end credits roll, leaving the film open for multiple sequels a la Underworld. I don’t think this will ever evolve into a full blown franchise. Even as a vampire, Nash is too fucking boring and the film shies away from any attempt at exploring the themes of good and evil and morality. Plus they killed Corey Feldman, so unless they plan on resurrecting his character, we’re literally left with zero incentive to continue with this particular dumpster fire.

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