Tales From The Hood 2 (2018)

3

Overall

3.0/10

Pros

  • Keith David.

Cons

  • Can’t decide whether to focus on horror or racism.

Tales From The Hood 2 (2018). Starring Keith David and Bill Martin Williams. Directed by Rusty Cundieff and Darin Scott.

Tales From The Hood, the original horror anthology from 1995 is a movie I’ve never watched, mainly because until very recently (as in last week), I was confusing it with that 1991 movie Boyz N The Hood.

To make matters worse, when I found out it was was in fact a sequel to a horror anthology, I got all excited because I then confused Tales From The Hood with Tales From The Darkside, the 1990 horror anthology which I thought was completely fucking awesome because I was, in fact, confusing Tales From The Darkside with the 1993 horror anthology Body Bags. Which is a long winded way of saying as I sat down and hit Play I thought I was watching a sequel to Body Bags.

Basically Body Bags is the horror anthology I really like and would like to watch a sequel to, which is not this movie, ok?

Ok then. As with most horror anthologies, the film needs some sort of cohesive link between the tales, that ‘bookend’ everything together. Creep Show had the kid reading his comic books and Body Bags had the morgue attendants. Tales From The Hood 2 has some weird story telling character played by the awesome Keith David, who is hired by a white guy called Dumas Beach (get it?) to record his stories so they can be fed into a RoboCop type android that will be the future of law enforcement, called RoboPatriot, whose job is to fill the prisons with ‘your sort of people’. Yeah, it’s as stupid as it sounds.

Spoilers

So the first story gets under way with some friends visiting the Museum Of Negrosity, a place filled with all sorts of slave related memorabilia because the white girl wants to buy a Golliwog. Well everything in the store is there to remind us how evil white people are, even the chair is made from ‘the sacred wood of a slave ship, the grain is a product of the blood of the men and women who were beaten and died…’ blah blah blah. Anyways, white girl really wants to buy a Golliwog but it’s not for sale because, ‘It’s carried over 100 years of racism in its tiny frame.’ Well after literally 10 minutes of lecturing by the museum keeper (which gets really tiresome), the friends decide to go back at nightfall and steal the Golliwog. This was a bad idea because the Golliwog comes to life and grows to six feet tall. As the white boyfriend pretends to whip his black girlfriend, the giant killer Golliwog grabs the whip and whips the white boyfriend to death. Upon seeing her disemboweled brother, white girl decides the best thing to do is have sex with the giant Golliwog. The story ends with the white girl chained to a bed in the museum, giving birth to lots of little Golliwogs who explode out of her stomach as the museum owner screams, ‘Fucking white women and having babies!’ It was around this point I realized I wasn’t watching a sequel to Body Bags.

Still, not one to be deterred, I pressed on and I’m glad I did because the second story is probably the best and starts off with a fake psychic medium (aren’t they all?) conning people on his popular TV show. We then cut to some crooks who are beating a dude, trying to discover where he has hidden his millions. Well they over do it and accidentally beat the guy to death. This is a bit of a problem until one of the crooks sees the medium on TV and decides to break into his house and force him to speak to the recently deceased dude and uncover the location of the missing money. Of course the medium is a fake and things go downhill quickly until he accidentally becomes possessed by the deceased dude who then sets out for revenge…I actually enjoyed this story.

Well the third story involves a couple of dudes who decide to drug some girls and film themselves having sex with them while the girls are unconscious. There’s just one small problem, the girls were unaffected by the drug because they’re vampires! This had the potential to be a really good ‘turning the tables’ kind of story but the execution is pretty lame and we don’t know enough about the girls to connect with them and obviously the dudes are assholes so it’s just a bunch of vampires we don’t give a shit about killing humans we don’t give a shit about.

The final story sees a successful black dude living in a white neighborhood being visited by the ghosts of historical figures from the civil rights movement who transport him to an alternate reality where the civil rights movement never happened, so naturally the Ku Klux Klan have taken over America. The story ends with the ghosts demanding the black dude give his life via a savage beating from the Klan in order to restore the world to how it is today. Just. What. The. Fuck.

And so the bookend completes the movie with a remake of the scene from Robocop, you know, the one where the ED-209 malfunctions in the boardroom and shoots that dude, except this time it’s the RoboPatriot and it shoots Dumas Beach for being a threat to civilized society. The final shot shows the white guy being dragged into hell and all the demons are black guys who are going to have fun torturing the white guy for all eternity.

This anthology didn’t work for me because it seems the directors dedicated two of the four stories to delivering a message about racism and the remaining two aren’t strong enough to excite dedicated horror freaks. Even the utterly bizarre killer Golliwog forces the viewer to sit through 10 minutes of lecturing before giving us the payoff and the bookend is just a re-shoot of a scene from Robocop but with added racial elements.

I’ll give this 3 for Keith David and the second story.

 

Steve Barnard lurks in the Stygian swamps of South America. He divides his time between scouring ancient jungles for the lost City of the Monkey Children and watching horror movies. Literally any horror movie he can get his hands on. Especially Japanese ones.

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