The Seventh Curse (1986)

9

Overall

9.0/10

Pros

  • Monsters.
  • Gallons of blood.
  • Karate.
  • Boobs.
  • Insane plot.

Cons

  • I need more!

The Seventh Curse (1986) starring Chow Yun-fat, Magie Cheung & Siu-Ho Chin. Directed by Lam Ngai Kai.

At this stage in my game, it takes a hell of a lot for a movie to rock my world. I’m talking an Impractical Jokers, warm fish salad, blow-your-balls-off moment. In fact, I thought my days of a movie taking me by surprise had come and gone, just like my liver.

Enter The Seventh Curse. If you were to look at the movie poster or even read the short description on Amazon Prime, you might just whiz on by, never giving this bizarre slice of heaven a chance. Your life will be filled with regret and shame if you do.  

This little gem comes to us all the way from Hong Kong back in the good old days of 1986. Directed by Lam Ngai Kai (who gave us Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky) and based on a series of novels (which I now must have), it also features future superstars Chow Yun-fat and Maggie Cheung. Enough of the prelims. Why is this movie so awesome?

Well, we start with a swarm of SWAT dudes surrounding a building filled with terrorists. Guns are blazing until the terrorist leader says one of their hostages is having a heart attack and needs a doctor. In comes Dr. Yuan, young, dashing and unflappable. The man doesn’t even flinch when they shoot at him. The SWAT team assigns an undercover nurse who will plant a bomb in his medical kit to disable the terrorists. Except young Sally the reporter knocks the SWAT member out and dons a nurse uniform so she can get the real inside scoop. What ensues is a whole lot of karate, explosions and about 10,000 rounds of ammo plugging the bad guys full of holes.

End the first part. The good doctor comes home to find a naked white woman waiting to give him some loving. But wait, there’s a strange guy in the house and yet another insane karate battle breaks out. The stranger tells the doctor that he has a blood curse and if he has sex, it will only activate it. Naturally, he tries, only to find his leg transforming into some kind of monster with blood bursting from little holes. It turns out the doctor was on an expedition a year earlier to find herbs for an AIDS cure and stumbled across a beautiful naked woman in a lake. He followed her to her tribe and witnessed a blood sacrifice that came to a horrible end because of his intrusion.

Now, let me pause to point out that the tribe leader is this long haired alpha male witch doctor with a voice so high, we assume he has no balls. Every time he opened his mouth, I screamed with laughter. Oh, and he has a deformed little monster that looks like a hopped up sperm that tears the shit out of anyone he throws him at.

The rest of the movie is an Indiana Jones inspired adventure as the doctor and his pal Dragon and annoying Sally try to find a cure for the blood curse. There are some wicked monsters in this flick, a body count that is beyond counting and some true WTF moments, like a woman feeding the doctor a lump from inside her breast to save his life (which also gives him the blood curse). If Steven Spielberg, Frank Henenlotter and Arnold Schwarzenegger were forced to make a movie together, this is what you’d get. It has THE BEST monster battle I’ve ever seen, plenty of gore, boobs (and more), action and sheer absurdity that somehow all works. All of this in under 80 minutes!!!

But don’t take my word for it. Watch it. I mean, like right now. Or else the high-pitched witch doctor will make the sperm monster eat your guts from the inside out!

 

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