Alien Predator (2018) starring Kris Blac, Sebastien Charmant and Xavi Israel. Directed by Jared Cohn.
Every time Hollywood releases a major blockbuster I rub my hands in anticipation. Not because I’m excited about seeing the actual Hollywood release, fuck that lame shit, but rather because I know other studios will be releasing a cheap knock off (called a ‘Mockbuster’) in an attempt to ride the coattails of the blockbuster’s success. For every Jurassic World there exists a Triassic World. For every Pacific Rim there’s an Atlantic Rim. Are you a fan of Robocop? We have you covered with Android Cop. These studios are like the ambulance chasers of the film industry and I think they’re fucking awesome.
So with Shane Black’s Predator releasing it was only a matter of time before my radar lit up with a suitable knock off: Alien Predator. Think about that title for a moment. Not only are you appealing to the fans of Alien, you’re also appealing to the fans of Predator. Not to mention the fans of Alien Vs Predator.
Alien Predator (they should have called it The Alien Predator for maximum Mockbustery goodness) wastes no time by opening with an alien ship crashing into the side of a building (like literally, the ship just sticks into the side of the building like a dart going into a dartboard) before the opening credits have even rolled. We then go to Honduras where a SEAL team is investigating the crashed ship only to be quickly dispatched in a flurry of bad CGI and corny one-liners.
Back at base, a bunch of soldiers decide to disobey orders and go and get the one surviving member, called Hobbs, safely back. And so begins a very familiar tale as the bunch go through the, er, countryside looking for the crashed ship (I guess a jungle was too expensive). Along the way they find a disemboweled soldier hanging from a tree screaming about, ‘Evil!’ and, ‘Monsters!’
Because they’re soldiers, the dialogue is peppered with soldiery goodness. If you decide to watch this movie you can expect lots of: ‘Keep your heads on a swivel!’ ‘Stay frosty!’ ‘Copy that!’ and my personal fave, ‘Check your six!’ accompanied by lots of vague nonsensical gestures as people throw their hands around like rappers with functional myoclonus.
Well at the 45 minute mark they finally enter the building (which looks suspiciously like a warehouse) and confront the Predator! I mean, confront the Alien Predator!
Boy, the creature design on this is a bit wonky and it’s hard not to be a little bit disappointed. Like when parents throw a party for their kid and they tell him that Spider-Man is going to be there and in the kid’s head it’s going to be Tom Holland from Spider-Man: Homecoming but then this other guy shows up and he’s a bit chubby, not to mention really old and his costume is all tight where it shouldn’t be and all loose everywhere else and it looks like it came from that crappy Halloween costume shop and the kid is part disappointed but mostly embarrassed because he told all his friends and now his friends are snickering and pointing and basically his party is ruined and the whole thing is a fucking nightmare that will have the kid in therapy for years because every time people mention Spider-Man he loses his shit.
Also, because of budgetary constraints, they can only show one Alien Predator at a time, which is fine if the story was about one single creature, but no, the director, for God knows what reason, wants us to believe that there are multiple creatures on the ship, leading to several bizarre scenes, most notably when the Alien Predator is standing in front of the soldiers firing his laser gun and one of the soldiers (standing in a narrow corridor) screams, ‘They’re surrounding us!’ only for the battle to be over as soon as the aforementioned solitary Alien Predator is shot and killed.
I would say the next bit is spoilers, but I mean, how do you spoil a Mockbuster? Like, seriously. Anyways, spoilers!
Well with 15 minutes to go the soldiers realize they have bitten off more than they can chew and try to get off the ship. At this point, I came to realize that they seemed to have completely forgotten about the sole reason for their being here in the first place, namely rescuing Hobbs! I mean the dude is never mentioned again in the entire movie!
Well it all boils down to an epic battle between a lone survivor and the final (I presume, but honestly, who fucking knows?) Alien Predator where the movie tries to inject a twist – namely, that the ship crashed here by accident and it was the soldiers who opened fire first and basically the Alien Predators are just a peace loving race blah blah blah, which means, you know that digital watch thing that the Predator used to blow himself up in the original? Well in this movie he uses it to open the ship so the surviving soldier can get away. I mean, come on! How can you call a peace loving pacifist a predator! I just can’t even…
Look, bottom line? I’m a fan of The Asylum so this film is a win for me, other people should proceed with caution…
8/10 for fans of The Asylum, 4/10 for everyone else.